avuncular advice

i told my nephew if he wants to blend in he should get as fat as he can as fast as he can. nothing else will do.

australia day afterglow

the highlight of the glutinous australia day celebrations was an address from barry humphries—in the person of dr sir colin leslie patterson, cultural attaché to the court of st. james.

here patterson recounts an incident while flying over the country:

"the pom next to me asked me if i could hear a distant thumping. 'what's that rhythmic pounding?' he enquired. i was as mystified as he was. 'could it be a kangaroo is down there?' said the stupid bastard. 'no, mate,' i said. 'it's 22 million australians patting themselves on the back!'"

wonderful stuff.

small kindnesses

one of the admirable things about people in oz is that they don't name their sons "geoffrey".

something amusing from jeremy clarkson

"australia is where you go when you’ve made a mess of everything. that’s why the 1.3 million brits who live there are known as whingeing poms. because they’re all failures." (the times, 26 august, 2007)

funny and almost true. they're not all failures. they're just all from the north. or is that the same thing?

do us a favour

there have been murmurings that the avaricious dwarf, bernie eccelstone, is intending to take away the toxic chav-fest—known as the australian f1 grand prix—from melbourne. please do so. i'll even sling in a fiver myself for the bidding city.

judith brett

is an ass.

hooray, culture comes to oz at last

the production of "the bold and the beautiful" is currently in sydney filming new episodes. don't scoff. it's the best we can do. 220 years ago we were just banging sticks together and eating grubs. sadly, some of us still are.

melbourne on the arno

obscure as it is, melbourne is still one of the coffee capitals of the world. that's why starbucks does such lousy business here. but it wasn't always this way. we used to be tea-drinkers. why the change? well, we aren't as culturally cosy with the english anymore. but, mostly, it's all the italians' doing. they instilled the espresso taste and established the café culture. and, believe me, we're all jolly grateful.

and as i was thinking of italian things...

things italians do well: coffee, art, architecture, scooters, food, clothes, cities, religion, attitudinizing, lassitude.

things italians don't do well: sport, government, tv, music (except monteverdi), war, suburban villas, cars, men.

please remind me if i've omitted anything.

numismatic nomenclatura

in oz we have brightly coloured plastic money. like toy money. (also when we want to send a message to someone we spell it out first on the fridge with magnetic letters, take a picture with our camera-phones, and sms it to its destination.) just as americans call $10 a "sawbuck", we've likewise given our currency notes pet names—in this case derived from their colours. so for the benefit of tourists, who may be bewildered:

$5/$10 (fiver/tenner)
$20 (lobster)
$50 (pineapple)
$100 (gremlin)

fun, what?

it's not my fault, i swear

in one of those global rankings surveys canada yesterday demoted oz from "friendliest" nation" status. i wonder why? jadedangel, belinda, carrie, nerdgirl, ~angel~ et al—what have you been saying?

whatever the english may say

oz soaps are awful. just awful. be thankful you don't have them.

singin' in the rain

it's finally rained in this stupid country.