Showing posts with label in the witness box. Show all posts
Showing posts with label in the witness box. Show all posts

Monday, 29 October 2007

about the author: evidence lots 24-56


hmm. this is a bit like being subjected to a sigmoidoscope (i'm guessing—i've never had it, never will).

24. i listen to karl pilkington every day.

25. 80% of the text messages i send and receive involve the exchange of "pilk facts" to and from other pilkington fans. it is, probably, the funniest show ever made.

26. as a kid i never won anything in a jew jump. they were still lots of fun.

27. i'm the only person of my type (wasp, tertiary educated) i know who is well-disposed towards israel. you go, israel! it just goes to show that anti-semitism, let's calls it, has nowt to do with christianity or a want of education. indeed, the more educated a person is, the more hostile to the jewish state they invariably are. something for social engineers to think about.

28. my favourite pre-exercise snack is grapefruit. though i suspect a conspiracy among citrus growers to artificially sweeten their crops in order to make them palatable to the moronic, obese pepsi generation. grapefruit just don't seem as pleasingly bitter as they used to be. frowns.

29. whatever the weather i only wear boxer shorts to bed.

30. i miss guy fawkes night (it's fallen into obsolescence). i also miss readily purchasable fireworks (also proscribed by the nanny state).

31. i always panicked when my pacman went off the screen.

32. i don't believe in the existence of god. as i've never seen the slightest evidence of a benign providence apparent in the world. if anything, the opposite is true. i am, however, respectful of catholicism and high anglicanism. but not the rest.

33. i have better taste in everything (except clothes) than anyone i know.

34. i forget a new name the instant it's conveyed to me. i have to write it down.

35. to avoid confusion, and in conscious imitation of english public school practice, i address everyone (including girls) by their surnames. unless threatened by human resources.

36. my greatest talent is thinking up, on the spot, funny-derisory nicknames for others.

37. i have no interest in gossip. i don't want to know it. i never pass it on.

38. i don't facebook. i opened an account to see what all the fuss was about, but i've barely used it. i decline all "friends" invitations. my status says "…is busy jellying some eels".

39. i've never sent a shabby card. if i can't find one that's in good taste i fabricate my own.

40. my mousepad is a laminated poster of "a bout de souffle".

41. my favourite drink is fresh lime juice and sparkling mineral water.

42. i did most of my drinking between 16 and 19, and then more or less stopped altogether.

43. my preferred racquet sport is squash (easy on the skill, high fitness demands). everyone else prefers tennis (high skill requirement, easy on the fitness).

44. i've shot one hole-in-one. you'll have to take my word for it. there were no witnesses.

45. "withnail and i" is the film i've watched more often than any other.

46. growing up i competed in gymnastics, athletics, football, tennis, baseball and cricket.

47. i'm anglophile. though that doesn't stop me bellyaching about, or ridiculing, poms.

48. i never accept food or drink when it's offered. don't know why.

49. i got on board with u2 at "october" and disembarked with "the joshua tree". "the unforgettable fire" is their apogee.

50. i don't do memes. ha.

51. my favourite piece of music which i unconsciously hum all the time is elgar's "e minor cello concerto, op. 85".

52. my least favourite piece of music which i unconsciously hum all the time is the oscar peterson and gerry mulligan interpretation of "the surrey with the fringe on top".

53. the thing i hate most in the world is rogers and hammerstein's "oklahoma". closely followed by yum-cha.

54. favourite asian cuisine: thai, japanese and mongolian.

55. least favourite asian cuisine: chinese and indian.

56. i managed to meet jonathan harris (dr zachary smith from "lost in space") before he died. incidentally, i've just seen a website which boasts "why people hate dr smith". why would anyone, in any condition of mental health, hate dr smith? that's mental. he's fantastic. that show is nothing without him.

Sunday, 28 October 2007

about the author: evidence lots 1-23

when you've got absolutely nowt to say there's only one recourse left: talk about yourself.

1. i always keep a tin of vichy mints on my desk. partly for the peppermint spritz. but also as a visible reminder of french disgrace and what a laissez-faire foreign policy can lead to.

2. i try to eat all my meals with a soup spoon.

3. i've never been flexi enough to touch my toes.

4. i can't float.

5. i've met morrissey (he signed a rare copy of "education in reverse" but wouldn't sign "james dean is not dead"—so capricious!). i'd never sell it on ebay. so don't make me an offer.

6. i dislike all opera except "tristan und isolde".

7. i still have the yo-yo (a coca-cola fibreglass super-russell) from my first yo-yo season in 1980. the twirl kings put on a demonstration at my school.

8. my favourite shirt collar is the "grandpa" style, though i don't own any. (it's an anomaly.) mostly i stick to button-down oxfords.

9. if i didn't have to vote i wouldn't.

10. i never solved the cube unaided (reading the book is cheating, folks).

11. i gave away or sold almost all my pop music when i was 23. i found i had outgrown it (though i did manage to see "the ramones" before they died).

12. i've lived in the far east. i wouldn't recommend it. the west is much better.

13. politically i am disengaged; not a partisan. but if i had to define myself politically my slogan would be "pro dreyfus, contre dreyfusard". details on request.

14. my favourite book is "franny and zooey".

15. mr burns is my favourite "simpsons" character.

16. i like to get my shirts sewn up the front so they can't be unbuttoned—you slip them over your head. i lost so many buttons brawling in high school i decided to do away with them.

17. apart from fruit, food bores me.

18. i read "doonesbury" every day. i have almost 8000 of them saved on hard disc. funny stuff.

19. having used apples for the last 10 years, i'd never go back to a wintel contraption. to paraphrase hobbes: pcs are nasty, brutish, ugly and slow.

20. bauhaus is the grammar of fascism.

21. my favourite monarch is edward the first.

22. my favourite motivational, kick-up-the-pants book is st. augustine's "confessions". the e. b. pusey translation only.

23. i've been bitten by cats, dogs, ants, spiders, swans, possums and girls.